Doctor's Bill

Soul cookies... that's what this trilogy of shorts is. The kind that immediately bring you comfort fresh from the oven, but then immediately turn to guilt for going straight to your hips. Then one day, five years later, you'll be cursing the current cookies you are eating because they'll never be better than those one cookies. Never. Who made those again? Was it that little local bakery in Chicago? I wonder if it's still there. No, not there... I think my grandma bought them. Oh wait, she always baked cookies, I wonder if I have the recipe. Of course not, she made them from memory—and some magical source of light and wisdom and love. Don't matter, I'm out of sugar.

Soul cookies.

Don Hertzfeldt compiles his trilogy—2006 Everything will be OK, 2008 I Am So Proud of You, and 2011 It's Such a Beautiful Day—into a feature film "captured entirely on a 1940s-era 35mm animation stand." I spent $2 to watch it on vimeo, a little irritated to spend money on vimeo, but it's Herztfeldt. Then I realized, after paying my $2, you can purchase the video to download for $6... but only for a week's worth of viewing. Hmmm. Not sure I like this direction, but it's Herztfeldt.

Waiting for bananas + spoons + bleeding anuses I was suddenly engrossed in a meaningful story of Bill. Who is Bill? Why is he becoming a character I grow attached to? Have I been suckered into a film that will change my perspective on life? What. The. Fuck.

Genius.
But, of course...
it's Herztfeldt.

Spend 2 dollars and call me in the morning,
Doctor Borderless

Hey!!!! You!!!!!! Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello!! Welcome back!!
We've been on vacation, plowing through usual job pooh, starting new jobs and exploring the essence from within!! I personally think we just haven't seen anything on the silver screen or idiot box to inspire us to comment here. That and a touch of ennui will certainly skew the view. Doctor B is on walkabout but has raised her head from the billabong long enough to say Quoi?! & let me know she's still kickin' it! Until her Brigadoon-like return, we'll have visiting Doctors commenting on the questions pulled from the gigante pile o'mail bags that blocked the office door and are currently being used as ottomans. So, without further ado...Hey You Guys!!!!

Wax on. Wax off.

Dear doctors, is it true that ear wax is made by ear bees?

—Hunny Mae

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Thanks Hunny, funny you should ask... as I went to a 6 week course on how to raise ear wax bees. Oh wait, it was honey bees. My bad. Well! Assuming you're overwhelmed with wax, I recommend these movies to charm your ear bees:

Fried Green Tomatoes (Idgie was a bee charmer)

Karate Kid (wax on. wax off. enough said)

Secret Life of Bees

Candyman (yep... bees)

Invasion of the Bee Girls (ok, I haven't seen this one... but c'mon!)

Doctor Borderless

June: Aw damn it to hell!

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No. Not true. Elves are responsible. Tiny, tiny elves. Brownies if you want to bee specific. Like Keebler but much smaller. The wax job used to bee performed by the gall bladder and was overseen by the stomach, but, like most corporations, it beecame too labor intensive and was bid out to a less expensive third party.
Speaking of tummy, stew on these sweet! films about bees and honey!
-Doc "Sting Like a Bee" Hoo

Bee Movie
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (see, it's two-fold: honey in the title & a bee swarms the kids!)
First Men in the Moon
Akeelah and The Bee (if you liked that, watch this! Spellbound)
Swarm (classic 70's horror w/an all-star cast!)
Ulee's Gold
& Belushi's Classic Killer Bees! (one of my favorites!)

Like Dude, I Need a Haircut!

Drs—I am in desperate need of a haircut, but my search to find the right scissor-wielding artist has so far been in vain. Do you have any advice for how to come to terms with my fertile follicles? —Shaggy

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Ahhhh... Haircuts! Once when I was small, my G-Paw took my brother and I to his local barber to get haircuts for the summer. I went first and was asked if I wanted a boys' haircut or a mans' haircut. Being eight years old, I opted for the mans' haircut. The whole experience lasted less than two minutes; all shears, no scissors, and walked away with a very short, fuzzy noggin'. I thought it was great, but my mom cried 'cuz I looked like I had escaped Auschwitz. My brother and G-Paw just laughed and laughed. The following are suggestions of what to look for in a scissor-wielding artist.

Remember to tip & don't let your G-Paw take you to this barber.

Dr. Fiagro! Hoo

Good Hair

Shampoo
Blow Dry

Black Shampoo (Blaxploitation baby!)
Edward Scissorhand

American Mullet (Business in the front; Party in the back!)

Barber of Seville (yes, yes, it's opera. Get over it. It's good. This version especially)

Rabbit of Seville (Bugs! Elmer! Daisies!)

Barber of Seville w/Woody Woodpecker (you've come this far, why not?)

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I have random memories of my childhood that are still very vivid. Two of which involve barbers. I'm from a town of 1400, and we had an old school barber shop, Norm's, next door to the clothing shop my mom worked at, Daisy May's (which was where I first stole something). Anyway, I always remember Norm being so nice and distracting me from time to time so my mom could work. The other memory was watching WTTW (Chicago's PBS) and I couldn't get enough of the Angela Lansbury version of Sweeney Todd. I remember thinking I was way too young to be watching this... I even asked my mom a few years back why she let me watch it so many times (I think I taped it and watched it every weekend for a while there). Her response, "At least it was performing arts...." Yep, cool points for mom on numerous levels.

Anyway, Norm's shop is no longer around and I wouldn't recommend Sweeney Todd. But maybe these movies can lead you in the right direction...

Hairspray (Ricki Lake!)

Grease (great hair-spiration and a beauty school drop out)

10 (what?)

Barber Shop

Mi Vida Loca (they have amazing hair)

The Fifth Element (Between Milla & Chris Tucker, you can't go wrong)

Doctor Borderless

Company: [singing] Swing your razor wide, Sweeney! Hold it to the skies! Freely flows the blood of those who moralize...

I wanna Rock!

Dear CineMedics—I'm a musician and want to rock it to the world! My problem is that I get stage fright whenever I try to play in front of a crowd. Any suggestions on how to deal with this and do either of you play? Marc Bolan Jr.

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Every single show I played I was nervous as hell... every single one. But I wouldn't have missed out on those years for anything. So get yourself a band and hop to it (I recommend the band because you're not alone up on stage). Oh, and as soon as you have said band, book a show... about 2-3 weeks out. Make it a benefit show, so you're doing a good deed. You'll have no choice but to write some songs, practice practice practice, and you have to show up because it's for a good cause. Doctor Borderless

For inspiration:

Josie and the Pussycats

This is Spinal Tap

The Blues Brothers

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Walk the Line

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

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My brother from another mother and I used to do talent shows during high school as the Blues Brothers, Jake & Elwood. I learned harmonica so I could try to be like Elwood; He learned cartwheels & eyebrow raising so he could be like Jake. Halcyon days indeed. As my fellow Doc-tor has stated, practice, practice, practice. The more you do, the more confidence you'll have in engaging the public. I suggest the following to fill you with a sense of purpose, more inspiration and also what not to do:

The Runaways -watch it for the culture, watch it for the music, watch it for Joan Jett mofos!
Almost Famous
Sid & Nancy - before he was Batman's Gordon, he was the shit.
Notorious -'cuz it's the B.I.G., punk, that's why.
A Star is Born (both versions)
Hard Days Night -the best midnight film ever! 'who's that lil' ol' maaannn?'
That Thing You Do
Cadillac Records
Dreamgirls
Country Strong -strongly recommended!
Once -I cried. seriously. freakin' croc tears.
Eddie & The Cruisers
Five Heartbeats
Commitments
and since you've come this far,
Streets of Fire (Diane Lane! insert Bob Hope/Conan O'Brien growl here!), Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem, & Rock & Rule.
You're welcome. -Dr. Ziggy Stardust Hoo

Gimme a quarter & I'll tell you yer fortune

I just opened a fortune cookie and my fortune said, "A good movie will inspire you to reach for the stars." What movie would you recommend?

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I'm tempted to recommend Starman from 1984... but the last time I saw it was that same year in the movie theatre, at the age of eight. And I must admit, I really only remember wondering if it was ok for me to be watching a movie with a naked guy in it. And like Prince's Darling Nikki, I fear I only liked it because I wasn't suppose to. So, no...no, I won't recommend the ole John Carpenter film.

What I will recommend is Dune (also from 1984), The Fifth Element, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (although you should just read the books instead), Serenity (but watch Firefly first) and and and... I seriously could make a huge list of these. But I'll end with MST 3K and know you have plenty to work with... not to mention, I know the other doc will suggest a plethora of amazingness. But he's drawn that way, so there's really no stopping him. Doctor Borderless

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.

Ford: What is normal?

Trillian: What is home?

Zaphod: What're cows?

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Obviously the movie you wanna watch to see stars is Bitch Slap. There's enough slapping, kicking, punching & awesome fight sequences coordinated by the amazing Zoe Bell, that you'll think you're outside looking up on a starry night. What?...Wait...What?...it's reach for the stars? Not see stars? Really? Huh.
The deuce you say. Well, let me think about this. I'll be back in a tic ................................................................ (whistling along with Jeopardy theme) ...................................................................................................... Okay, so, I'll add to the other Doc's excellent list of star-outer space- groovy films The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. That one never gets old! If you'd like a very short list of movies that will leave you feeling like you can accomplish anything & reach for the stars, then watch these:

Invictus, Kelly's Heroes, Billy Elliot , Trainspotting
Trinity is My Name, Power of One
The Station Agent, Bandidas, Harold & Maude
Rushmore, Once Upon a Time in China
Yojimbo, Slumdog Millionaire
Shaolin Soccer, Sherlock Holmes
and Diva -french film. will blow your noggin'.

Remember! As in all things, -all. things.- you must make your own way through Life. What inspires my esteemed colleague & I may be absolute bullocks to you. Decide for yourself. You're welcome. -Dr. Major Tom Mon-key Boy Hoo

What Big Teeth You Have

Dudes—I'm having problems with my teeth. They seem to demand more and more of my attention, more needy. I brush them and floss but it doesn't seem to be enough. What should I do?

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Well, I'd go see a dentist. But maybe not this one... or I'm guessing anything the other doc recommends. Anyway, watch Little Shop of Horrors.

Or maybe you need to appreciate your teeth even more and be glad you have them (and stop complaining about hygiene)... then I would watch American History X. [shiver] Just thinking about this movie and street curbs makes my muscles clinch in heeby-jeebies.

Doctor Borderless

Orin: [singing] I thrill when I drill a bicuspid... It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted.

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Dude- After a short consult with my fellow Cinemedic!, I agree. Stop whining and do whatever needs to be done to make your teeth/mouth happy. They're your teeth. Supposed to last a lifetime. Did you know that teeth problems, if not addressed, can manifest problems in other parts of the body? It's true! Heart, joint problems, hearing loss to name a few. Everything is connected, so please, suck it up, and treat your mouth like the freakin' shrine it should be. Oh, and in case Doc B's choices aren't enough to convince you, watch these (Marathon Man, A Serious Man, Teeth). You're welcome. -Dr. H