Hey!!!! You!!!!!! Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello!! Welcome back!!
We've been on vacation, plowing through usual job pooh, starting new jobs and exploring the essence from within!! I personally think we just haven't seen anything on the silver screen or idiot box to inspire us to comment here. That and a touch of ennui will certainly skew the view. Doctor B is on walkabout but has raised her head from the billabong long enough to say Quoi?! & let me know she's still kickin' it! Until her Brigadoon-like return, we'll have visiting Doctors commenting on the questions pulled from the gigante pile o'mail bags that blocked the office door and are currently being used as ottomans. So, without further ado...Hey You Guys!!!!

Wax on. Wax off.

Dear doctors, is it true that ear wax is made by ear bees?

—Hunny Mae

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Thanks Hunny, funny you should ask... as I went to a 6 week course on how to raise ear wax bees. Oh wait, it was honey bees. My bad. Well! Assuming you're overwhelmed with wax, I recommend these movies to charm your ear bees:

Fried Green Tomatoes (Idgie was a bee charmer)

Karate Kid (wax on. wax off. enough said)

Secret Life of Bees

Candyman (yep... bees)

Invasion of the Bee Girls (ok, I haven't seen this one... but c'mon!)

Doctor Borderless

June: Aw damn it to hell!

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No. Not true. Elves are responsible. Tiny, tiny elves. Brownies if you want to bee specific. Like Keebler but much smaller. The wax job used to bee performed by the gall bladder and was overseen by the stomach, but, like most corporations, it beecame too labor intensive and was bid out to a less expensive third party.
Speaking of tummy, stew on these sweet! films about bees and honey!
-Doc "Sting Like a Bee" Hoo

Bee Movie
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (see, it's two-fold: honey in the title & a bee swarms the kids!)
First Men in the Moon
Akeelah and The Bee (if you liked that, watch this! Spellbound)
Swarm (classic 70's horror w/an all-star cast!)
Ulee's Gold
& Belushi's Classic Killer Bees! (one of my favorites!)

Like Dude, I Need a Haircut!

Drs—I am in desperate need of a haircut, but my search to find the right scissor-wielding artist has so far been in vain. Do you have any advice for how to come to terms with my fertile follicles? —Shaggy

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Ahhhh... Haircuts! Once when I was small, my G-Paw took my brother and I to his local barber to get haircuts for the summer. I went first and was asked if I wanted a boys' haircut or a mans' haircut. Being eight years old, I opted for the mans' haircut. The whole experience lasted less than two minutes; all shears, no scissors, and walked away with a very short, fuzzy noggin'. I thought it was great, but my mom cried 'cuz I looked like I had escaped Auschwitz. My brother and G-Paw just laughed and laughed. The following are suggestions of what to look for in a scissor-wielding artist.

Remember to tip & don't let your G-Paw take you to this barber.

Dr. Fiagro! Hoo

Good Hair

Shampoo
Blow Dry

Black Shampoo (Blaxploitation baby!)
Edward Scissorhand

American Mullet (Business in the front; Party in the back!)

Barber of Seville (yes, yes, it's opera. Get over it. It's good. This version especially)

Rabbit of Seville (Bugs! Elmer! Daisies!)

Barber of Seville w/Woody Woodpecker (you've come this far, why not?)

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I have random memories of my childhood that are still very vivid. Two of which involve barbers. I'm from a town of 1400, and we had an old school barber shop, Norm's, next door to the clothing shop my mom worked at, Daisy May's (which was where I first stole something). Anyway, I always remember Norm being so nice and distracting me from time to time so my mom could work. The other memory was watching WTTW (Chicago's PBS) and I couldn't get enough of the Angela Lansbury version of Sweeney Todd. I remember thinking I was way too young to be watching this... I even asked my mom a few years back why she let me watch it so many times (I think I taped it and watched it every weekend for a while there). Her response, "At least it was performing arts...." Yep, cool points for mom on numerous levels.

Anyway, Norm's shop is no longer around and I wouldn't recommend Sweeney Todd. But maybe these movies can lead you in the right direction...

Hairspray (Ricki Lake!)

Grease (great hair-spiration and a beauty school drop out)

10 (what?)

Barber Shop

Mi Vida Loca (they have amazing hair)

The Fifth Element (Between Milla & Chris Tucker, you can't go wrong)

Doctor Borderless

Company: [singing] Swing your razor wide, Sweeney! Hold it to the skies! Freely flows the blood of those who moralize...

I wanna Rock!

Dear CineMedics—I'm a musician and want to rock it to the world! My problem is that I get stage fright whenever I try to play in front of a crowd. Any suggestions on how to deal with this and do either of you play? Marc Bolan Jr.

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Every single show I played I was nervous as hell... every single one. But I wouldn't have missed out on those years for anything. So get yourself a band and hop to it (I recommend the band because you're not alone up on stage). Oh, and as soon as you have said band, book a show... about 2-3 weeks out. Make it a benefit show, so you're doing a good deed. You'll have no choice but to write some songs, practice practice practice, and you have to show up because it's for a good cause. Doctor Borderless

For inspiration:

Josie and the Pussycats

This is Spinal Tap

The Blues Brothers

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Walk the Line

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

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My brother from another mother and I used to do talent shows during high school as the Blues Brothers, Jake & Elwood. I learned harmonica so I could try to be like Elwood; He learned cartwheels & eyebrow raising so he could be like Jake. Halcyon days indeed. As my fellow Doc-tor has stated, practice, practice, practice. The more you do, the more confidence you'll have in engaging the public. I suggest the following to fill you with a sense of purpose, more inspiration and also what not to do:

The Runaways -watch it for the culture, watch it for the music, watch it for Joan Jett mofos!
Almost Famous
Sid & Nancy - before he was Batman's Gordon, he was the shit.
Notorious -'cuz it's the B.I.G., punk, that's why.
A Star is Born (both versions)
Hard Days Night -the best midnight film ever! 'who's that lil' ol' maaannn?'
That Thing You Do
Cadillac Records
Dreamgirls
Country Strong -strongly recommended!
Once -I cried. seriously. freakin' croc tears.
Eddie & The Cruisers
Five Heartbeats
Commitments
and since you've come this far,
Streets of Fire (Diane Lane! insert Bob Hope/Conan O'Brien growl here!), Interstella 5555: The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem, & Rock & Rule.
You're welcome. -Dr. Ziggy Stardust Hoo

Gimme a quarter & I'll tell you yer fortune

I just opened a fortune cookie and my fortune said, "A good movie will inspire you to reach for the stars." What movie would you recommend?

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I'm tempted to recommend Starman from 1984... but the last time I saw it was that same year in the movie theatre, at the age of eight. And I must admit, I really only remember wondering if it was ok for me to be watching a movie with a naked guy in it. And like Prince's Darling Nikki, I fear I only liked it because I wasn't suppose to. So, no...no, I won't recommend the ole John Carpenter film.

What I will recommend is Dune (also from 1984), The Fifth Element, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (although you should just read the books instead), Serenity (but watch Firefly first) and and and... I seriously could make a huge list of these. But I'll end with MST 3K and know you have plenty to work with... not to mention, I know the other doc will suggest a plethora of amazingness. But he's drawn that way, so there's really no stopping him. Doctor Borderless

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.

Ford: What is normal?

Trillian: What is home?

Zaphod: What're cows?

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Obviously the movie you wanna watch to see stars is Bitch Slap. There's enough slapping, kicking, punching & awesome fight sequences coordinated by the amazing Zoe Bell, that you'll think you're outside looking up on a starry night. What?...Wait...What?...it's reach for the stars? Not see stars? Really? Huh.
The deuce you say. Well, let me think about this. I'll be back in a tic ................................................................ (whistling along with Jeopardy theme) ...................................................................................................... Okay, so, I'll add to the other Doc's excellent list of star-outer space- groovy films The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. That one never gets old! If you'd like a very short list of movies that will leave you feeling like you can accomplish anything & reach for the stars, then watch these:

Invictus, Kelly's Heroes, Billy Elliot , Trainspotting
Trinity is My Name, Power of One
The Station Agent, Bandidas, Harold & Maude
Rushmore, Once Upon a Time in China
Yojimbo, Slumdog Millionaire
Shaolin Soccer, Sherlock Holmes
and Diva -french film. will blow your noggin'.

Remember! As in all things, -all. things.- you must make your own way through Life. What inspires my esteemed colleague & I may be absolute bullocks to you. Decide for yourself. You're welcome. -Dr. Major Tom Mon-key Boy Hoo

What Big Teeth You Have

Dudes—I'm having problems with my teeth. They seem to demand more and more of my attention, more needy. I brush them and floss but it doesn't seem to be enough. What should I do?

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Well, I'd go see a dentist. But maybe not this one... or I'm guessing anything the other doc recommends. Anyway, watch Little Shop of Horrors.

Or maybe you need to appreciate your teeth even more and be glad you have them (and stop complaining about hygiene)... then I would watch American History X. [shiver] Just thinking about this movie and street curbs makes my muscles clinch in heeby-jeebies.

Doctor Borderless

Orin: [singing] I thrill when I drill a bicuspid... It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted.

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Dude- After a short consult with my fellow Cinemedic!, I agree. Stop whining and do whatever needs to be done to make your teeth/mouth happy. They're your teeth. Supposed to last a lifetime. Did you know that teeth problems, if not addressed, can manifest problems in other parts of the body? It's true! Heart, joint problems, hearing loss to name a few. Everything is connected, so please, suck it up, and treat your mouth like the freakin' shrine it should be. Oh, and in case Doc B's choices aren't enough to convince you, watch these (Marathon Man, A Serious Man, Teeth). You're welcome. -Dr. H

and no PhD

My kid won't focus in college and finish... he keeps changing majors and has now been in school for seven years. What do I do?!

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Ah, this is a tough one... as I spent fifteen years on and off in college gathering a few degrees here and there. But I was paying my own way, so I don't feel so bad about my decisions. And I gained all sorts of great knowledge. Just rollin' around in smartiness... if I could remember any of it.

Anyway! I recommend Kicking and Screaming. No, no, not the Will Ferrell soccer movie. This one is a bit older, from 1995. Quotes galore, and a fella named Chet to encourage anyone to possibly move along a bit and actually look forward to life after college. Think of Chet as the college version of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused... which your son could also watch, but that may actually make him forget college all together and go back to high school.

Doctor Borderless

Max: I don't need to go to a campus bar to be reminded of my lack of success with a bunch of thrill seeking snotty college kids.

Skippy: That's us; we're like celebrities to them.

Max: No, we were celebrities. Now going back would be like doing Hollywood Squares.

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Sounds like a cry for help to me. Sounds like they learned from their parental units the potential downfall of committing. Sounds like they're just pissin' away your money and procrastinating. Sounds like they've embraced the life of slacker, know more than most of the teaching assistants saddled with teaching undergrad classes for assclown professors that they no longer respect and are fighting the future eventuality of joining the rest of the work force drones. Sounds like they don't even call or send a card on birthdays and holidays. Sounds like they have mastered the art of...oh..uh..er...ahem...well...of course, I could be completely off the mark and simply projecting my own neuroses into the mix.Watch the following with your filial child and see if they improve, although if they've been attending college for as long as you say, they've probably already seen or own these. Still, watch with them so at the very least the bonding can begin and they won't think any less of you than they already do.You're welcome. -Doctor Hoo

Animal House
Real Genius

Old School
House Bunny
Back to School -freakin' Kurt Vonnegut is in this! Vonnegut!
and remind them that even Van Wilder graduated!

Stuffed. Couldn't eat another bite...

Is there a secret to cooking?

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Is there? Hell yes... Love! Where do I start with this one? Like Water for Chocolate, Chocolat, Big Night, Fried Green Tomatoes [secret's in the sauce]! I can't imagine a better way to sooth the soul, show someone you love them, create a memory, share a moment, or cover up a murder than with cooking. I recommend any one of these movies; and while you're watching it pick one of their recipes, google it, buy the ingredients, and get to work (maybe not the BBQ ingredients though, I definitely do not condone murder)!

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Food & Sex.
Two basic of basics that hu-mans require to survive. Or at least not be so grumpy with each other. The trick to cooking, besides practice, practice, hot!, is learning the basics and building from there. Check out the Special Features on Gurinder Chadhas' Bend It Like Beckham and Robert Rodriguez' Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Sin City & Planet Terror for a chock of delicious cooking tips.
For groovy food films to set the tone and get your apron in the game, watch:
The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover
Babette's Feast
Eat Drink Man Woman
Julie & Julia -'cuz it's freakin' Julia Child! Julia. Child.
and my fav, Tampopo
Bon Appetit! -Dr.Chef Hoo

I wanna be like youuuuu...

Drs.- Are animals smarter than humans?

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Apparently you've never watched a Muppet movie... animals are far more intelligent than we give them credit for. Frogs can stage manage and host. Pigs can karate chop and fly through space. Bears can be comedians... well, they try at least. To up your faith in animals I'd recommend The Muppet Movie, even the opening credits are great. After that, any episode of The Muppet Show will do. Or seriously, watch a documentary on dolphins or more unexpectedly... crows.

Doctor Borderless

Kermit: Life's like a movie, write your own ending...

All Muppets: Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do... Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!

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Yes. The answer is Yes. I've dealt with hu-mans all my life and I can tell you that animals have better sense in most things than hu-mans. Thank the Gods that hu-mans can't clean themselves like animals. Need proof? Check these and then get back to us. You're welcome. Dr. Hoo
Born Free -saw it at the drive-in as a lad. Brilliant!
Cujo, Williard &/or Cat's Eye
Doctor Dolittle (not the craptacular Eddie Murphy one!)
Gorillas in the Mist
Hachi: a Dog's Tale
Hoboken Chicken Emergency -watch this 'cuz it's freakin' Daniel Pinkwater. 'nuf said.
Horse Boy
Never Cry Wolf
Tarka the Otter -saw it on the big screen as a lad. Brilliant!
Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill

They're Heeere!!!

Help! My kids watch way too much TV, videogames and texting! It's all they do! How do I snap them back into reality?

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I'd put the smack down on texting... I'm sick of cell phone ettiquette and the belief we're all suppose to be so readily available for every text, facebook entry, and phone call. We're missing the special moments at dinner with loved ones, or hell we're just missing some good ole fashion silence. But video games and TV are fine. Why interact with your kids when you can prop them up in front of a TV? But have them watch NeverEnding Story or The Princess Bride, maybe they'll turn off the tech and go read a book or play outside.

Doctor Borderless

Falcor: Never give up and good luck will find you.

Grandpa: When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.

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Ahhh kids. They're just doin' what you used to do when rock-n-roll first came out, when MTV first aired, when you finally got your own phone in your room. They're kids! Unfortunately, some never grow up, some never have instilled in them the whole 'time and place for everything' ethic and you have to deal with the same irksome behaviour when they're stupidhead adults. Nothing worse than being behind someone too consumed with texting that they hold up the line or slow traffic or worse.

I gently suggest you make your darling cherubs watch the following:
Pulse
Brainscan
Videodrome
and just because it's brilliant, Network.

You could always employ the Sean Connery method- 'a good smackin' to remind them of their place doesn't hurt'- for extra emphasis. You're welcome. -Dr. H

A Fresh Start

It's a new year... and I want a fresh start from a terrible 2010. What would be a great way to start?

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There's many ways to change your story, break your cycle, run down a stairwell. Wait... what? If you're looking for something you can dance to, so to speak, something to re-energize... I would recommend Run Lola Run. If anything, a good run will start great habits, boost the heart rate, and help you fit into your old favorite pair of jeans.

Does a fresh start sound too scary? Don't know how to come out of your shell? Maybe focusing on others will help you realize the importance of change in every person's life... including yours. Amelie.

Or maybe all you really need is a super cute haircut...

Doctor Borderless

Manni: What if I were in a coma, and the doc says, "One more day?"

Lola: I'd throw you into the ocean... Shock therapy.

Amelie: [whispering in a theater] I like to look for things no one else catches. I hate the way drivers never look at the road in old American movies.

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Huh. I will agree with my esteemed colleague that a routine change and a super cute haircut (insert Bob Hope/Conan O'Brien animal growl here) will go a long way in shaking up ones' perspective on life. So I will only suggest at this juncture a follow-up with these cinematic gems (Mohabbatein, The Time of Your Life, Better Off Dead), eat healthy and get some good sleep. You're welcome. -Dr. H

Take this job and shove it...

Dear Doctors—My job sucks and I'm really frustrated. What should I do?

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All jobs suck at some point. Some more than others and more often. The trick is deciding if this is a job worth staying with through all of it's ups & downs. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. To assist in this decision, I suggest the following films:

Norma Rae
Boiler Room
Clerks & Clerks II

After viewing these, is the job really that bad? Is it? Really? You're welcome. Dr. Hoo

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Well this maybe obvious, but I'm going with it. From red staplers to copy machine beat downs to the message of doing what you're expected to do instead of what feels right just ain't no good.

Damn... it feels good to be a gansta' [head bounce].

Doctor Borderless

Peter: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside.

Lawrence: Fuckin' A.

Peter: [nods] Fuckin' A.

Mental Constipation

I have mental constipation, how does one go about getting a perception lobotomy?

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What faster way to find softness in your heart to glow on everyone around you than believing in a giant rabbit-pooka named Harvey? We spend too much time inside our heads, wrapped up in our woes and worries. When we take down the wall of reflection—always trying to outsmart ourselves—we find the time to live... to love.

Doctor Borderless

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be"—she always called me Elwood—"In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.

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Doc Hoo here.
Really? Mental Constipation? Really? Are you sure it's not some kind of calcium/plaque build-up that's causing your cataract of gloominess? Perhaps a quick jog and roll naked through the snow outside will cure whatever ails you. Okay. Assuming it is constipation, and as with any constipation, a gentle remedy is best. You don't wanna give yourself a stroke trying to pass through stuff, better to absorb, process and allow nature to run it's course.
I strongly suggest the following film regimen (in this order):

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Inception
Station Agent
Happy-Go-Lucky

If you're one of those Pull the Band-Aid Off Quick (PBOQ in the DSM) types, watch Requiem for a Dream and then go for ice cream and cigarettes.
It's your Life. Live in it. or not. You're welcome. Next?